Ever thought about what a university would look like if it were one big human being? No, not a toga-wearing philosopher, but an actual person with all the quirks and contradictions we know and love. Here’s my take.
The quality team? They’re the conscience. The little voice saying, “Are you sure that’s up to standard?” or “Better double-check that policy before you embarrass yourself.” Basically Jiminy Cricket with a clipboard.
The data team is the nervous system. They’re not flashy, but without them the whole body would be walking into lampposts. They carry the signals, interpret the pain points, and occasionally shout “Warning! Red flag!” before anyone else has noticed.
Marketing is definitely the voice and personality. Sometimes charming, sometimes cringey, but always loud enough to make sure the neighbours know who we are. They’re the one carefully curating the Instagram feed while the rest of us are still in pyjamas.
Recruitment is the outstretched hand. Big smile, firm handshake, maybe even jazz hands if things are desperate. They’re the ones bringing new people into the fold with a “Come on in, it’s lovely here!” (and hoping you don’t ask too many tricky questions straight away).
The academics? They’re the brain. Brilliant, imaginative, and occasionally so deep in thought that they forget lunch exists. They’re the part that keeps the university-person interesting, rather than just a slick suit with a nice logo.
IT is the circulatory system. When it’s flowing smoothly, nobody notices. When there’s a blockage—emails down, Wi-Fi gone, system crash—you’ll hear the screams from three buildings away. They’re the caffeine-fuelled heroes keeping the lifeblood moving.
And student services? They’re the heart. Warm, supportive, sometimes a bit overworked, but always there to keep the whole body going. They’re the ones making sure the university-person doesn’t burn out, collapse in a heap, or forget to look after themselves.
Put it all together and you’ve got a slightly eccentric but loveable character: moral compass intact, nerves wired up, loud and proud on social media, welcoming to newcomers, clever enough to pull it off, kept alive by IT, and carried along by a big student-shaped heart.
In short: a university.
